It descended on me like the shadow of an afternoon cloud crawling over a pristine landscape.When anxiety strikes it is as if the world will shortly end, wrapped in a torrent of vellities and regret, a bitter and sad storm. But then it passes, swept away by its own impetus. And, for a while, the grey clouds part. The clouds have but gone on holiday, a brief sabbatical. Only to return in greater force on another cold, lonesome day.
And where do we stand on these black days? In our prime hour, what dark fate slouches behind?
This is the poetic attempt to capture the dread that I felt this afternoon in the restarant. Only after I had eaten and sat for a while did the pall begin to lift. I have always wanted to use this word, and in this instance I think it fits: Anyone who looked at me while I was in the midst of this attack would have seen the pallor of my face. I imagine that I was, as the expression goes, "white as a sheet." My main frustration, besides the obvious of these "attacks" happening, is that I seem to have little control against them. There are, however, certain precautions that I can take to prevent them, but, unfortunately, there are no guarantees. I am at the mercy of these attacks.
But, truly, I want to move beyond my petty anxiety. I want to live the life that I believe is possible if I can but move out from under this veil of self-doubt and repression.
Whenever it happens I feel as if I have to document it, in one form or another, such as here in this blog. But the action itself does not prevent it from happening again.
Somehow I believe that this is somehow related to Alyssa, or at least how I feel now that we are separeted. Emily suggested that I find a new religion. That woudl be nice. And it was nice to have someone on the same page as far as my own self-improvement is concerned. Because for so long it has seemed as if even my own mother was not alligned with my interests. Well, I know that she is, but for a long time it seemed as if her methods were ineffectual and outdated. And, I must admit, they still seem vaguely in that vein, but she has improved in her attention to the matter. I guess the difficulty is that I can't find a comfortable way to discuss this issue, these issues with anyone. This is my only method of dealing with it. And even though this does something for me, it is not a comprehensive solution. That I am still working on.
The worst part, as it seems, is that I don't feel as if I am any closer to a comprehensive solution. I don't even know which direction or what to do for that. I know that this expression is part of it. But I have no idea what else I have to do to solve this.
